I'm a higher order machine learning to learn...

Why don’t I have a girlfriend?

This blog is based on the research paper presented in IEEE by one of the German scientist few year back on the topic "Why it is difficult to find a girl friend".Though the author proved his point with various scientific terms which i had a tough time to understand.Because I am not at all good in understanding the complex integral calculus or jumbled organic Chemistry...rather than writing a complex , organized bugs free codes for my software application .. Thanks to MSDN and Google .. :) .

Informal and anecdotal evidence from the scientific community has long pointed to the difficulty in securing decent,long-term female companionship. To date, however there will be not many who have thought seriously and done any study on the topic.AS,I myself fall under the category of "No Girl Friend" thought of investigating "why it is impossible to find a Girl Friend" and in the due course i came up with a proof using simple statistical calculus..Since I am working on various statistical and forecasting model projects, that gave me the valuable inputs to formulate and strongly back my proof with. I thought of sharing my investigation using this blog .. So have fun while reading.....!!

Why don’t I have a girlfriend?

This is a question that practically every male has asked himself at one point or another in his life. Unfortunately, there is rarely a hard and fast answer to the query. Many men try to reason their way through a series of ridiculous explanations, each more self-deprecating than the last: “Is it because I’m too shy, and not aggressive enough? Is it my opening lines? Am I a boring person? Am I too fat or too thin? Or am I simply ugly and completely unattractive to women?” When all other plausible explanations have been discounted, most end up with the conclusion that “there must be Something Wrong with me”.

Not the author, though. I, for one, refuse to spend my life brooding over my lack of luck with women. While I’ll be the first to admit that my chances of ever entering into a meaningful relationship with someone special are practically non-existent, and I must say that it has nothing to do with any inherent problem with me. Instead, I firmly believe that the situation can be readily explained using nothing more than some elementary and statistical calculus.

Before,anyone suspect that my standards for women are too high, let me allay those fears by enumerating in advance my three criteria for the match. First, the potential girlfriend must be approximately my age— say 23 plus or minus two or three years. Second, the girl must be beautiful. Third, she must also be reasonably intelligent—she doesn’t have to be Mensa material,but the ability to carry on a witty, insightful argument would be nice. So there are—three simple demands, which I’m sure everyone will agree.

I shall endeavor to make this proof as rigorous as the available data from various sources permits.And I should note, too, that there will be no statistical trickery involved here. I have cited all my sources and provided all relevant calculations in case anyone wishes to conduct their own independent review.

Let’s now take a look at the figures.

Number of people on EARTH : 6,72,13,56,000 (According to U.S. Census Bureau)

We start with the largest demographic in which I am interested-namely, the population of this planet.

Who are FEMALE : 3,34,98,52,000

I have thought that, given the title above this criteria goes without saying. In case anyone missed it, though, I am looking for exclusively female companionship. Accordingly, roughly half of the Earth’s population must be discounted. Sorry, guys.

In India : 49,57,38,169 (According to 2001 Census)

I further restrict the geographical area of interest to the country i lived in.That is not to say I’m against the idea of inter-territory romance,I just don’t assess the prospect of finding myself a beautiful Italian girl or a babe from USA ,UK ,Russia or dazzling beauty from some European countries as statistically significant.

Inside my Work Terrain : 31,35,90,791

Being a software professional,I will most likely spend nearly my entire life living and working in following states of india AP,Bihar,Bengal,Delhi,Haryana,Karnatka,Maharastra,UP. So it is these types of regions that the numbers have been narrowed.

In urban cities : 1,25,43,631

My reasons for doing so are not motivated out of contempt for those who are staying in villages or economically disadvantaged,but rather by simple probability.In fact my chances of meeting the girls staying in the rural area of these states is either in person or on the Internet, are understandably low.Still 60% of the population in these sates are living in rural areas so I left with merely 40% of population.

Currently aged 21 to 25 : 1,66,91,400

Being neither a pedophile nor a geriatrophile, I would like to restrict my search for love to those whose age is approximately equal to my own. This is where things get a bit tricky, for two reasons: First, the census data is nearly 7 years old, and second, the “population by age” tables in census data are not separated into individual ages but are instead quantized into “14–16” (of whom there are 1,27,44000) and “16–18” (population 1,25,46000).Women aged 14 to 16 in 2001 will be aged 21 to 23 in 2008 and aged 16 to 18 in 2001 will be aged 23 to 25,in this group I’m interested.

Now assuming “14–16” girls’ ages are uniformly distributed, we have
(1,27,44000 * 23-21+1)/ (16-14+1) = 8496000
Similarly, of 2001’s “16–18” category, there are now
(1,25,46000 * 25-23+1)/ (18-16+1) = 8364000

The sum 1,68,60,000 represents the total number of females within my chosen age limit.
Unfortunately, some of the girls have died since the census was taken. The death rate in india is 6.4 per 1000 population, so roughly considering 1%, thus the true number of so-far eligible bachelorettes is 1,66,91,400.

Who are Beautiful and Intelligent : 3,78,894

Personal attraction, both physically and personality-wise, is an important instigator of any relationship. Of course, beauty is a purely subjective trait whose interpretation may vary from person to person.It is not necessary for me to define beauty here except to state that for any given beholder, it will probably be normally distributed amongst the population.Without going into the specifics,precisely I will say that for a girl to be considered really beautiful to me, she should fall at least two standard deviations above the norm.Considering same with the intelligence,I found around 2.27% of female who can be considered as beautiful and intelligent.

Not already committed : 1,89,447

I could find no hard statistics on the number of above-noted girls who are already married, engaged, or otherwise committed to a significant other, but informal observation and anecdotal evidence leads me to believe that the proportion is somewhere around 50%. For reasons of morality (and perhaps too self-preservation),I’m not about to start relation with girls who have husband and boyfriend. Accordingly, that portion of the female population must also be considered off-limits.

Also might like me: 30,027

Naturally, finding a suitable girl who I really like is no guarantee that she’ll like me back. Assuming, as previously mentioned, that personal attractiveness is normally distributed,there is a mere 50% chance that any given female will consider me even marginally attractive. In practice, however, people are unlikely to consider pursuing a relationship with someone whose looks and personality just barely suffice. Let’s make the rather conservative assumption, that a girl would choose someone if and only if they were at least one standard deviation above her idea of average.In that case, my calculation reveals only 15.8655% of females would consider someone with my physical characteristics and personality acceptable as a potential romantic partner.

Conclusion :

It is here, at a pool of 30,027 acceptable females,that I end with my statistical analysis. At first glance, a datable population of 30,027 may not seem like such a low number, but considerthis: AS I can not start any relationship without meeting the girl once. Assuming I have to meet with a new girl about my age , I would have to date for 4289 weeks before I found one of the 30,027. That’s very nearly 82 years. As a North Indian male born in the early 1980s, my life expectancy is probably little more than 70 years, so I can safely say that I will be dead before I find the proverbial girl of my dreams. Come to think of it, she’ll probably be dead too.


In the quiet comfort of a balmy winter night, down with cold and cough I lay down on my cozy bed with my black pavilion to write about the only companion I have for this night, the only friend who will see me through tonight - Silence.

My friend is dead in the morning hours when it is consumed by the cacophony of the office.But now at this sudden moment it pays me a visit, like it has always done.

Silence is the real conversation between friends, not the saying but the never needing to say anything is what makes the conversation golden.I am reminded of several instances in my life when I thought I was all alone and I was wrong.

A true friend of mine who relied more on pen and paper than his tongue once remarked to me - When you find it difficult with words,when they wont come out and die down within your chest, when your lips quiver and your eyes melt , that is when you would want to write and that is when you could hear a tear drop, that is when you would understand Silence....!!

When you stand in front of a woman and the woman has so much to say, yet says nothing,the silence becomes deafening, that is when you get to know the mighty scream of silence.

Silence - The eerie stranger, the only argument which cannot be countered, the welcome friend, the parting gift, the very womb of music.

I end with this quote I read somewhere -
"Silence is but, the music between the notes"

Quantum of Solace..!!

This is not written by me but my best friend wrote it for his company magazine. I found it interesting so thought of putting it here as he doesn't own any blog himself..

I have passed 2 years of my life as a development support in sustenance team. Ring a bell? Yes I have been reading others code and touching it here and there and have been very busy in doing so all this time. I had read once, touching the code base is the last resort one must take but I have never lived in this utopia till now ;-) !!

Now my code is in production doing well in some cases while not doing so well in some cases and I realize all the time that it’s the readability of the code and all that basics we are never taught in college, happily forget during our practice (writing code) and make others lives miserable.

I never knew commenting the code could be a bad bad practice. And with all that green color as the default setting in the swanky IDEs from Microsoft it becomes even more alluring to add those green lines every where, QA tells the same!! Comment your code!!. Makes it more environment friendly, doesn’t it?? Well they start lying after sometime!!! That’s when I have read it and done a bad fix !!!!!!! See, I am an angry young man… and many of my colleagues are.

Have you ever thought of writing a meaningful name for a variable rather than writing a comment to explain it and remove the comment? Or have you ever thought of refactoring a line of comment into a method or a class and remove the comment? Have I ever ? ? Well yes I have started thinking seriously about these things after I have read this wonderful book called " Clean Code" by "Robert C Martin" on my best friend’s suggestion.

Something I want to reiterate from this book, “Development is a social activity”. I hope you would enjoy reading it and bring it to practice.


A poem from my  diary.. hope you will like it ...!!

होली बिती , बिती दिवाली  
ईद भी हमने यार मनाली  
वो मौसम कब आएगा  
जब हम तुम दोनो यार मिलेंगे  
अभी तो अच्छी बीत रही है  
अपनी दिन और ये रातें  
चाहे मौसम हो कोई भी  
सर्दी , गर्मी या बरसातें  
पर जीवन रूपी इस झरने में  
छाया है सूखा बरसों से  
वो बाहार कब आएगी  
जब हम तुम दोनो यार मिलेंगे  
अब एक है अपनी दुख सुख सारी  
एक है पहचान हमारी  
एक है अपने धड़कन और साँसें  
एक ही अब आँसू और आहें  
मंज़िल एक फिर जुदा क्यों राहें  
वो मौसम कब आएगी  
जब हम तुम दोनो साथ चालेंगे  
एक सरीखे अपने सपने  
इस सच से मत फेर निगाहें  
अजनबियों सा मत रह कटकर  
आ करले मुझसे भी दो बातें  
वो मौसम कब आएगी  
जब पत्थर दिल ये पिघलेंगे!!  

Got a mail ... Sweets @ my Desk ..!!

Mere ek param mitra ki shikayat thi ki main kabhi unke bare main nahi likhta .... aaj socha unki yeh shikayat bhi door kar di jaye ... aur ek blog kyon na unko shamarpit ki jai...To yeh blog mere ek khas dost ke liye ...unki kahani, meri jubani....!!

Aajkal ke IT professional ke liye ek achhi company milna .. compnay mil jaaye to achha project milna ... aur agar wo bhi mil jaye to achhi team ka milna .... kafi muskil hai..But mere mitra kafi khuskismat hain jinhain yeh teeno khushian mili hai ... khaskar teesri khushiyan kuch jyada hi mili. jiski wajah se bechare bahut padeshan hain...!! Unki padeshani ka pata ap ko bhi iss blog padhne ke bad chal jayega.

Subha Utha , Nahaya ..Mast Deo Lagaya...
Usko Yaad Kiya Aur Muskuraya...

Muskurahat Ka Karan Tha ,Sapna jo achhi aai Thi Raat Ko
Main Company Ka Ceo Aur My Dream Girl Was My Pmo...

Mann To Kiyan So Jaon, Swapn Ki Duniya Mein Laut Jaun...
Phir Socha Uski Jhalak Paani Hain , Kahin Late Na Ho Jaun...

Kanghi Ghumya,Goggles Lagaya ,
Ban ke smart, Kiya Bike Self Start....

Pahooncha Office... Khola Pc ...
Outlook Main Top Par Mail Uska Paaya...

Mailbox Dekh Sanatta Chaya
Uska Mail Ka Subject Humien Na Bhaya..

Ek Baar Phir Kiya Mail Ka Subject Check
Oh No ..Not Again..Same Words..."Sweets At My Desk"

Darte Darte Khola Mail...Andar Wedding Invitation Paaya
Lo Bhaiya Lut Gayee Duniya...Mandraya Kala Saaya...

Dukhi Mann Se Socha ...Chalo Ek Baar Contents To Padh Lain
Naam Kya Hai Ladke Ka...Details Se Rubaru To Ho Lain...

Phir Ek Baar Mann Chakkar Khaya...Uska Naam Kahin Naa Paaya
Mail Ka Phir Se Audit Kiya...Dil Ko Ncr Report Acha Aaya...

Mail Ke Subject Se Achi Mail Ke Body Nikli
Jiski Shaadi Thi ..Woh To Uski Sister Nikli...

Bhujti Hui Low Phir Phadphadai
Ek Umeed Jaagi..Asha Ki Ek Kiran Nazar Aayee....

Josh Bhare Kadmon Se Rukh Kiya Uske Cubicle Ki Or
Ab Sirf Uski Jhalak Nahin ..Yeh Dil Maange More....

Aaj Tak Cubicle Ki Diwaron Se Dekha Tha Usko
Dekhte Hee Usne Bola ..Lo Dear, Sweets Lo....

Humne Suna "Dear" , Man Main Kaha Ab No Fear.
Jhuki Aankhon Se Kiya Usko Stare, Uthaya Sweats Ka Apna Share..

"Dear" Shabd Kitna Acha Lagne Laga Tha....
Uske Aur Mere Beech Ka Loc Ab Mitne Laga Tha...

Baton Hi Baton Mein Usko Bataya Mail Padke Hua Confusion Tha
Reply Jo Bataya Usne, Phir Se sar chakraya Tha..

Phir Se Low Bhuj Gayee Thi, Umeed Mit Gayee Thi ...
Uski Sagai Ki Mail To Ek Hafte Pahle Bounce Back Ho Chuki Thi...

Maa Kasam Ek Hi Gaana Yaad Aa Raha Tha Cham Se...
Kasam Ki Kasam , Yeh Pyaar Na Hoga Ab Humse...

O Haseeno Sun Lo Meri Iltaaja,
Please Mat Hona Humse Khafa...

Kuch Bhi Ho Jaaye Ab Na Hoga Adjust,
Ab Mat Daalna Mail With Subject "Sweets At My Desk"

I hope ab to aap logon ko bhi mere mitra ki padshani achhi tarah samajh mai aa gai hogi ...!!!!

The Last Conversation

Four friends, after a year-long hiatus in the real world, meet at the same place, where they used to hang out when they were together.. and again they are going to depart ....
"Bhaiya, 4 log hain."
"15 min lagega, ek table khaali ho raha hain"
"Theek hain, hum bahar hain."
After 10 mins. "chalo, table khaali ho gaya hain."
KK: Batru, ek Gold Flake light ka pack.
KK: Cannot believe this is happening man, just cannot believe. This is worse than my graph theory.
Richhie: Basu, kya peeyega jaldi bol, strong?
Dilli: Main to mild loonga, chussu? aur ek starter bhi bolde. Veg logon ka hamesha kat-ta hain.
Basu: haan, 2 strong, 2 mild mangate hain pehle. Ek mushroom chilly bolde.
Richhi: Batrayee, teen kingfisher strong aur ek mild, aur fried chips, chana nahin chahiye. Aur 2 chicken Kabab and ek mushroom chilly.

Kk takes a long hard puff, gives one to Ricchhie, everybody is looking at each other, the radio is playing High Hopes in the background, the dingy room is filled with smoke and poorly lit. The AC is leaking, water is dripping ....but nobody is bothered.

"Beyond the horizon of the place
we lived when we were young
In a world of magnets and miracles
Our thoughts strayed constantly and without boundary
The ringing of the division bell had begun
Along the long road and on down the causeway
Do they still meet there by the cut

Dilli: Abe tum itna senti kyun ho rahe ho, aisa to hota hi hain. Har samay waise hi nahin jee sakte.
Richhie: Abe baahar life bahut mushkil hain be, bahut saari cheezon ka dhyan rakhna padta hain. Pehle sab kuch possible lagta tha yaar, ab pata nahin doubts aate hain.
Dilli: Abe sab theek ho jaega, tension mat le. Thoda time lagega, lekin sab theek ho jaega.
Basu: Welcome to the real world dudes. Its time to grow up, time to move away from the glory days.
KK: This is not how I imagined it would be.

"Looking beyond the embers of bridges glowing behind us
To a glimpse of how green it was on the other
taken forwards but sleep walking back again
Dragged by the force of some inner tide

Kk: Sahi tha yaar woh, sab kuch kar sakte the. Life was easy, uncomplicated. Didn't have to please anybody.
Dilli: It was just that you guys didnt think about anything, its only now that you have started thinking about things.
Richhie: Nahi aisa nahin hain, shayad tabhi sochne ko kuch tha hi nahin. sab kuch hamare saamne dikhta tha. And everybody was willing to help you.
Basu: Kitne din bachchon ki tarah jeeyoge. For how long do you guys want to lead an easy life? And come to think of it, life would only get harder from here, this is just the beginning.
KK: yes, you are right. But, my mind wants to move on, but the heart is stubborn, it makes me miss everything from yesterday.

"At a higher altitude with flag unfurled
We reached the dizzy heights of that dreamed of world
Encumbered forever by desire and ambition
Theres a hunger still unsatisfied
Our weary eyes still stray to the horizon
Though down this road we've been so many times"

KK: I sometimes wonder, why are we doing all this, why are we going away from everything that we have come to love so much? Why does everything good have to come to an end?
Dilli: To grow as a person, to see the world? Our ambitions? Money ?
Richhie: What about knowledge, experience and education? Those are the things we seek.
Basu: That is all eyewash, everybody wants money and fame, and everything that comes with it. We just use different words to fool others and, in a way, ourselves.
KK: We are all vain. Each one of us. We cannot escape it.

Silence. The outro then melts everything away, even the haze.

"The grass was greener
The light was brighter
The taste was sweeter
The nights of wonder
With friends surrounded
The dawn mist glowing
The water flowing
The endless river "
Forever and ever...........

ThE UnSpOkEn WoRdS ....!!

Don't know how I have written this ... but at end ...... it brought smile on my face....... perhps u will like it ....!!

Another dark night. An eerie silence prevails over everything; I'm sitting in front of my virtual window, alone…The dark which is grabbing everything, I don't know whether it's around me or within me, I don't know what should I write today. Ah! How few words make me wordless?
Today I have my chest full of sorrows of fears and eyes full of painful tears, heart sighing, wishes dying, soul unjocund and dreams broken. I want to weep, no, I just want to smile, no no, I want to say something. Something yet unspoken, Why my silence can't be heard to understand what I have to say. I want to say people things unspoken, but are they ready to hear unheard?
I can hear people laughing outside my room, for they have to, and for them the day is too short to laugh. For me day is always long, but even then why I have to weep in nights. They say they observe what they deserve, I'm blind and confined. Blind because in striving to see between the lines, how I miss the lines, and sometimes to be little cared how much I have to care.
I want to be loved but always looted, be cared but always crushed, be glad but have to be sad, say words but speak sighs, I want to fly but have no sky. I want to dance but never had chance, I want to be heard not hurt….
Let me shatter these fetters today, and shackle the manacles my way. I want to sing the melody of my soul but my soul doesn't like songs but sighs perhaps. My heart desires but yields suspire. I want to glide not hide, be completed not deleted, cherished not perished, use my life not lose my life. What is my phenomenon? What is my dilemma? I am alone since I started speaking and forlorn since I started seeing and torn ever since I born.I'm tired now. I better sleep now. I need sleep a deep cool sleep that so much I dream about. Dreams, my dreams, purposeless, sleepless, aimless dreams. I have yet to learn to dream about life, light, hope, bright eyes, free soul……, dreams where my inner serenity won't be destroyed by anyone………thats all.

I LoVe yoU....!!

Yep, the three lethal words, that can knock you off your senses, and inject you with a kind of drug, that spreads faster than potassium synide! In every relationship, I mean, relationships with close meanings, have the inclusion of these three words. At one point or other, you may say it to a friend, your mother, your boyfriend/girlfriend, or say even a boss! We all feel, at one point or the other, that relationships are something, we cant live with, and without. We need people in our lives, we need people, whom we can talk to , laugh with, cry our souls out, and share things, which may have been repressed by our subconscious. You can call it, a process of Anagnorisis. But at some level of Anagnorisis, you do feel that the intensity of love in a relationship, may have dipped. The usual rat race, constant relocation, the ever changing ways of the world, have made the formation of relationships very temporary. Nowadays, when a person says ‘I love you’, to the other, it is often said, seizing the moment of the situation, or it is said jokingly, most of the times, its fake, you know when relatives come over and express their love and shit.. Its become a mockery of these words. Why are people finding it so, difficult to keep promises? Is it the lure of the world, or is just inbuilt? I think,its inbuilt. A lot, depends on the person you are. A close friend you had loved, 10 years ago, might not be in your list of the most important people now. Things change, you change, and its adaptability all through life. But one point comes, when you are tired. Tired, and sick of the mesh of hypocrisy and lies around you. A time comes, when you want to hold on to that someone you had loved, but because you went far ahead, you left the person behind. I think, the most important thing in any relationship is consistency, and sincerity. If you mean, that your going to love person "A" for the rest of your life, you make commitments such as ‘I love you’. And, if you feel, your apprehensive about what lies ahead, and you don’t know, whether, you will be able to deal with a relationship with a sincerity, that you had once promised… Then, just don’t say it. Nobody knows the future. Nobody knows, the different shades it carries. But one does know, his or herself. If you are true, pure, and clear, then you can walk the lanes of Park Street, even when your 60, with your best friend. You need to know, how to beat the system of time, love, job, money, exertion, compliance, while living in the system itself. You need to beat the system, while living in it. Its tough stuff, this game am talking about. But it wouldn’t be so hard, if you only allowed yourself some positive thinking.

SuMmEr Of '99..!!

I got my first electric guitar
Bought it at the singer's choice
Played it till my fingers ached
It was the summer of '99....
Me and some guys from college
Had a band and we tried real hard
Partho quit and subro got injured
I shouda known we d never get far...
Oh when I look back now
That summer seemed to last for ever
And if I had a choice
Ya – I'd always wanna be there
Those were the best days of my life.....
When every one was there and complaining
I thought of a degree to earn
Spent my days down at the college
And that's when I met you !
Standing in the economics block
You told me you 'd wait forever
Oh and when you held my hand
I knew that it was now or never
Those were the best days of my life.....
Back in the summer of 99
Man we wer studyn hard
We were young and ambitious
We knew we had to part ways
I guess nothing can last forever – forever ....
And now the times are changing
Look at everything that's come and gone
Sometimes when I hold my old electric guitar
I think about you n wonder what went wrong......
Standing in the economics block
You told me it would last forever
Oh the way you held my hand
I knew that it was now or never
Those were the best days of my life
Back in the summer of 99.......!!!


Khubsoorat ho tum par Lajwab nahi,
Sheetal to ho bahut hi Per chandni nahi,
Ho rag tum agr par ragni nahi,

Damak rahi ho kisi tej ki tarah,

Chapla ho tum Par damini nahi ,

Phoolon ki khushboo hai ,

Tere badan main basi hui ,

Tumhare pyar ki pratimurti hai

Mere man main rachi hui,

Pal pal khil rahi ho Kisi kali ki tarah,

Kamniya ho tum Par kamini nahi

Baloon main chupa tera chehraYoon lag raha hai ,

Jaise badlon main Umadti ghumadi ghata

Tere nayanon main dikhte hain Din ke ujaale

Adhron pe teri pyas bhariMad ke hain pyale

Madmast ho rahi ho Kisi mayur ki tarah

Nari ho tum purn par afsosh ki ardhangni nahi..!!

Just Another Day

Just Another Day .. another Monday morning ...It's already 9:00 am... Sun is shinning bright ...Time to wake up ... Time to get ready for work ... the place known as world of Software programming .. with the ingrdient of logic and spices of errors and exceptions.
The mind is in hurry to do everything fast .. but body , Aaahh dont want to ..No otherway to go .... finally got synchronized ... And here I am with my tooth brush in hand at tarace ... looking at the people running fast..!!The same way as clock hands is ticking fast's 9:35 now and I am still taking bath and humming my favourite bathroom pop song ...consedring myself as one of the best bathroom singer ever ....!!
Finally Its 10:00 a.m .. already late for office... and I stand here in the bus stop waiting for the bus to arrive. I stand here in the same manner as I did a few years back waiting for my college bus. Little did I know then that things would change so much in 1 and 1/2 years; the sky under which I am standing seems to be looking at me and smiling .. It is perhaps the only thing that has acted as a witness .. watching the transformation of a loud person into a quiet professional.
I wouldn't blame the professionalism for the change though. It is destiny, or may be you could call it life. Yes Life, esoteric in the true sense, for one does not understand why you meet hundreds of people everyday, work with so many, and still remain lonely.
I am now in one of the corner seats in the bus, looking out of thewindow watching people trying to catch up with "life" .. It's an half n hour's journey and the only company that I generally have is the chatter of the RJ. I seldom notice the person sitting next to me, for its going to be yet another stranger or may be you could say another acquaintance.It is annoying at times when the radio is switched off, not because Iam cut off from the melody or today's hip moving fast beats but because I would now be thrust with thoughts of the solitary journey ahead.
I can't help thinking about the short bus journeys to college ... wellit's a paradox to call a distance of 30 KMs "short", but that is how italways seemed. A typical college day always begins in the bus with allthe familiar faces; you look forward for all your friends to get in, the reasonless giggles, the loud laughter that were stifled to avert the eyes of the lecturers and professors who would watch on us as ifwe were their prospective prey for the day ...well as I said it was a different life then. The pleasant memories of college are in itself good enough to save me from the misery of the bus journey.
I notice that it is time for me to get down and flash my smile of acknowledgement to all the known strangers that I see as I approach my cubicle. A few of my colleagues greet me with their morning wishes and as always, we exchange our pleasantries. Discussions jump to the weekend plans and I wonder what I'd do over the weekend.
It would be just another day staring at the mobile, wishing it wouldring and bring back some wonderful moments that are now missing in lifeor maybe the safer option would be to come to office, for it's my new founded asylum these days. A few years back, weekends or weekdays didn't matter to me, I was always busy. I always stood doubting the authenticity of the wall clock that seemed to be in running too fast to perceive its movement. Alas, now it seems as though my clock is suffering from some kind of paralytic attack.
There is a time in life, where one needs to go ahead, leaving behind your friends and carrying along only memories. You do make new friends,but then you never get the old close ones ... you do meet people who'd be so good to you that you could tell them anything and everything, but you do not find a person to whom you needn't say things ... friends who just know you. Occasional calls from such friends, have been the only thing that I seem to look forward to ...However, I cant help but notice the uneasy pause that lingers around the conversation ..A pause not because of the relationship, but because it is too short a duration to say everything, and of course you cannot completely rule out the paucity of words!
As I sip coffee from the ubiquitous coffee mug, watching the drops of rain, trickling down the tinted glass panes, veiling the scenic beauty outside, I tell myself, may be there will be a day when things will change, when life will offer a rewind, a recap of all the events and I just have to wait.
Capricious are the ways of life, for I know there would be many who'd be able to empathize with me, ironically, even the dear ones that I miss this moment, waiting perhaps...!!
And I keep on waiting.....!!!!


This is based on the real story ... 4 years back when I was returningfrom Pune ... It is about a girl who was sitting just besides me..crying throught the 21 hrs long Journey...and based on the littleconversation i had with her... I can still feel the pain and theagony she was going through .....!!!!
Aha .... the dawn .. the darkness still encompasses you!!! In themiddle of the road she walks back to the unknown. 4 A.M in the morningand the midnight breeze ruffling through her messed up hair. With eyesall filled with glistening tears, partially because of the bitter cold,partially because of the pain inside. A million thoughts runningthrough the mind.. what if this would have happened, what if that hadhappened.
Why ... what ... where.. how... a million thoughts......Coming from her last trial, the last attempt to make it all up, wishing thateverything will be back to normal, he might agree! He said they were made for each other, the uncountable number of promises, how cute shewas always, how her smile was his life and all such crap... yeah crapit was ever. How she changed for him... how dependable he had made herfor everything ranging for mental to emotional support. For everysecond she begged, for every breath she took she called him. for everysecond they talked, she prayed for him. His presence warmed her lifefor so long that it seemed like an eternity. She dint call for him, but he forced his way into her life and then took away everything away from her.But now when he has taken everything away from her.. herlife and hopes and strength, he called one last time saying that it wasnever meant to be like that. He had some other priorities in life andshe must move on... yeah as simple as that ... she must move on!!!!
But she cant now... the only possible way was through a river of tearsand blood. As simple as that ... in a cafe filled with people, youorder a cup of coffee and start the conversation normally and end itwith a suicidal note. You must move on....
She travelled all the way to beg him one last time, to tell him thatif it was'nt him then itcant be anyone else. Without telling her parents that she is going to him with a journey of more than 1000 miles, withouttelling them what she had been through all this time, without telling them that she had given her everything to him and now there is no turning back.She left amongst heavy thunderstorm and rain. With sadness on her face but alittle hope. With all those wonderful moments, the time when the kissed first, the time when they used to roam on the beach, the time when theyused to dance in the rain... all those times.. Now she was back....back to Bangalore .... ISBT(Majistic) ... 4 AM in the morning got down fromthe bus!!!!
Walking towards the city bus stand..... with no one around... some auto walas looking at her... but she is least botheredtoday... she wants to cry but she cant, she is not alone .. walks slowly thinking, not looking at the road... trying to walk.. cudnt walk....
looks at her cell phone wishing there will be atleast a phone call, alast one may be, she had been waiting for it for the past one week... aphone call ... Aha the bus stand has come ... crowded a bit even at 4AMin the morning... ppl looking at her... but she is alone...
"shall i go home!!! shall i run away.... i can die..yeah i should die... but my parents... my younger sister... ... but i need not explain it tothem once im dead!!!!"
"no i cant die..that is such a bad idea..... im just 21... "
"But i cant live without him.... his touch will torture me his senses, hisbreathes .. everything ... i cant live.. i have to die......"
"No it is not the solution, he was never mine... its not the right parents are still there for me ... "
"What will he think if i die for him.... atleast for one time he will think that i loved her.... one time atleast... "
"what shall i take sleeping pills .. no mercury .... no it should be really sad.. i'll write a note"
"But i have to live.. there is nothing called love... its just lust... orrather fun for people... there is nothing called cupid....."
"I have to die...."she stops in the middle of the path...... ppl still around... busy with thebuses and their routine!!! She stands still... with tears crossing theboundries of her eyes... and voices in her mind. To die or not to die... to live or not to live... to love or not to love.......And she cries.... heavily.... falls on the floor... and she cries

Main Likhta nahi ..!!

Dard itna badha... kee dil ab dukhta nahi,
Zid bhee aisi dekho kee ....
Khuda ke samne ye sir jhukta nahi,
Roz shaam ko subah kee
ummeede toot jaya karti hai..
Fir bhee nayi ummeedo ka silsila rukta nahi.
Aas paas.. hazaro kee bheer rehti hai aksar..
Pata nahi kyo unme apna koi kabhi dikhta nahi..
Pata nahi.. log mujhe padhte nahi hai ab..
Ya shayad mai hee ab likhta nahi...............!!!!


This era can rightly be called as ORKUTERA,infact we can also have a whole lot of some countries which can be together called as "ORKUTISTAN" , imagine where all the orkut-maniacs are going to have is a room and a computer with net connection for survival.
Orkuters or watever they are called as, are highly influenced , interested , motivated by various facilities or say features of orkut.One such feature is "testimonials", needless to explain this word, I really dont understand, why some people likes to get testify by others? how does that makes a difference ? The fact lies here the more you have them in your profile the more dude or duddee you are....and yeahh....I admit that I too have to commonly...compulsively...obsessively write it for some friends... but,it dosent really matter to me if they write about me or after writing many of cliche testimonials like ....."a real good person at heart , a great friend. smart, cute and dynamic personality, very caring and loving and blah..blah..blah...." I thought of writting "thoda hatke" testimonial for one of my friend on this blog as i have already written his testimonial in orkut.

"I have been honoured again by having a chance of writing a testi for such a reverent personality.He is so altruistic n magnanimous to let me tune my writing skills by making me write testi's ovr testi's...(is it so,or its sumthng else ?) ya..he is some of that and lot more that i know.... !
He is a consummate soul,an active folklore in cosmos.He is as cool as cucumber ,as good as gold , as nice as ninepence,as keen as mustard .Opulent,ignoble n baronial personage with brobdingagian wherewithal,sooo propitious which cant be explained in articulateness.He is sometimes crotchety, but a gnarly in fixins’. He is profoundly serendipitious and is gonna adulate and revere me to counterbalance this chunk of salvo. He is laden wid acumen which can be surmised from his causatum and am sure that this commemoration is gonna aggrandize his perspicuity manifolds.His sagacity can be accounted from the fact that am his paramour. I have some more things like he has got entracting and ambrosial personality with perfect combo of aphorism.In succinct a Guitarist.I feel hollowed n empyreal to have him in my longevity."

Was it a bouncer..?? Hope he will read it fully and this will give him some inferiority complex and now he totally agrees with my parents who always says me ...

" Beta, tera ek screw dhilla tha jo bachpan mai hi gir gaya tha,bahut dhundha par nahi mila..jhadu bhi lagvai par kahi nahi mila....aur us vakhat paison ki kami ki vajah se kharid nahi paye islie tu aisa hi reh gaya...!!!!"


Life is amazing, isn't it. For me it has always been a road, which takes a sharp turn whenever I feel that it is straight road ahead.....But despite of all the ups and downs in life, there are two things that make the life so beautiful and so wonderful and so much liveable... "DREAMZ" and "HOPE" ... and there is one word, a magical word that gives u both.... "KAAAASHHHH"

ohhh Kaash aisa hua hota, kaash waisa hua hota... u know it didn't happen, but u hope what if that had actually happened and u dream about it... everytime u r sad and down, this thought gives u new life... kaaaash... I am sure that everyone's life is so used to this word ....

" kyun tere paas sawalon ka jawaab nahin hota
jiska jawaab na pass tere kaash woh sawaal hi na hota
Kyun khawab hote hain jo poora nahin hota
jo hakeqat na ban sake kaash woh ehsaas hi nahin hota
kyun umeed hoti hain jiska hisaab nahin hota
jo toot jaaye ban kar bhi kaash woh viswaas hi nahin hota
kyun saath hoke bhi tu mere pass nahin hota
jo pass hokar door rahe kaash woh kabhi pass hi nahin hota
Kyun risthey hote hain jinka naam nahin hota
kaash woh aagaaz hi nahin ho, jiska koi anjaam nahin hota..!! "

Last Day

I have written this long back and today thought of posting it here ....
I walked with my best friend across the campus …. towards my class semester MCA class. The hour hand at watch said it was 8 past 10.. and there was not a single trace of any life in the college … except for the two of us…. Me and my best pal….
Another ten steps … and there was our class with the door shut..!! we were on 2nd floor ..and the beautiful garden outside was creating a magical scene .. had a wish to stop time at every moment but it never happened … the second hand ticked heavily and we opened the door of the class for the last time ….

Wished, I could ask Prof. Venky…. “May I come in Sir ?” and wanted to hear him shout… “You are late again. No attendance for you today ….”
But there was no one there…. just empty desk and chairs... and two of us… looking at the walls … and the desk…. All empty … … the white board and podium…where torture classes were held…..and the last chair ….. where we had fun… laughed …. Hiding from teachers….Pleading for attendance and internal marks … million memories rolled like a movie into our minds…. and there was complete silence for a moment … and we smiled … laughed …

Walked like a hero from medieval times … jumped over chairs …look at those chairs where so called babes of our class used to sit
He He He babes in MCA … a dream in itself …. ( No offences to any babes ….)

Drifted to our place … sat there … side seat …doesn’t feel like the last day ….. don’t remember how we met ….how we came to such a stage .. feels like I know my friends from ages …. feels like I was always here.

The entire class was still there alive….. The last bencher Amit… wamiq … Sohail ..either sleeping or chatting…..the teacher in her own world….. Basab sitting beside me .. cribbing for something … Gopal sitting on first bench taking down notes ….. Dileep smiling at babes …. Richin in his game world and Bish in his dream world … and we laughing at something or the other occasionally scribbling something on my notepad … making some sketches .. or phrasing up a poetry….

The thought stuck … programming class of C …. everyone is attentive…. to learn each and every bits and bytes…the mam….
so beautiful …so intelligent …. so encouraging …. from whoam we got the fundamentals of programming ….
Wanted to say thanks ….and to listen last time ….any points she wants to discuss … but today… no more points …
no more tips…. Just the pin drop silence… and a promise…….. will never let you down….

Ahh….. Basab asking me to look outside … for some babes from PGDBM …standing there ….. and I without even a word looked outside … it was an unsaid communication… Basab pinged me and I with the same enthu looked outside … but today there was nobody …. Just the deserted corridor …..
Looked back there was Basab …. in his dream …. not scribbling anything in his notebook… not laughing this time … not saying anything this time … just sitting there ….

Roll No 11
Roll No 11….. okkk
Roll No 12
Again missed my attendance ……. Hay….. Present Mam ….
You sleep dear..!! No attendance for you..!!

No attendance….. the class has ended … and my friends …chatting and laughing….going for sandwich… or .. tea.. or ... juice
and we sat there …sat there alone …closed our eyes, for the entire world outside the walls of the campus were calling us…
Wanted to attend one last lecture … but this time there was no one to take that last lecture….. and there was that door … open …
we wished all the time …to run away … to bunk … but this time it was not ..
one last time … one last time … attended the class … with no one just we two…!!

Today's Conversation

So how do you start your day... with a strong cup of coffee... or a refreshing Tata Tea.......How do you greet people "Good morning..." or "Kya haal hai" or "How are you ??..."
And what reply do you get? Well, a descent good morning in return or "Bus badhia" or "I m fine".
And that ends the morning conversation.
What about other conversations? How do they generally go? Well take a situation... Two friends F1 & F2 who can see each other online in a messanger .....but one of them has pinged after a long time....... So,how would the conversation go??
F1: Hey F2, long time buddy? How have you been?
F2: Hey, I am fine yaar? U tell where have you been?
F1: Well here and there doing this and that. What about you?
F2: Well, I have also been a bit of there and a bit of there and done somewhat of this and somewhat of that.
F1: So how is family?
F2: Fine, everybody is going great? And how are uncle and aunty?
F1: Well, they are great.
Sorry to interrupt here, but this is where the conversation ends and now both of them have nothing to talk about. Still they would keep pinging each other
F2: Aur what else?
F1: Bus yaar chal raha hai? Tu bata...
F2: Bus yaar kat rahi hai...
Here, there would be a bit of bitching about their lifes and their relations ... and about their jobs and their companies....... then they would go on "Blah blah..."
F1: Aur bata
F2: Bus yaar
F1: Aur tu bata
F2: Bus yaar kuch khas nahi ...
This goes on and on... till the two friends part...
So, here you see how the conversation goes on between two friends and you can feel the lack of topics to discuss. This is because of the mundane life we have been living. Going to work every morning and coming from work every night tired and then sleeping and on weekends just relaxing and sleeping or watching a movie in some mall. Thats our everyday life. We need to change it. We need something different to do, something regarding which we can talk about... Ahhh...... we really need a change...... !!

A True Confession

" Ek chota sa dil ... Ek pyaara sa ehsaas ...
Ek alag duniya ki chahat ... Ek sapne ki talaas ...
Ek alag jameen .... Ek alag asmaan ....
Ek choti si chahat .... Ek masumiyat .....
Ek deewangi ... Rangon se bhari jindagi ....
Ek dil or yeh is dil ki baatein .................. !!!! "

This is directly from the core of my heart for someone, whoam I think is the sweetest & the most caring person that i have ever met in my life .....!!

Whenever I looked up in the sky, I was always amazed by the enormity of the sky. whenever I looked around was amazed with the pleasantness of the nature around, but now I m no more amazed by these things just coz your arms were always open when I needed a hug, which gave me feel of that vastness of sky after being in your arms. Your nature gave me the pleasantness same as the nature around. Your heart understood when I needed a friend. Your gentle eyes were stern when I needed a lesson.Last but not the least your strength and love has guided me and gave me wings to fly.

There is no velvet so soft as your lap, no rose as lovely as your smile and no music is as relaxing as caressing and touching of your hand to my head(hair). Even when I am not with you I can feel your presence around me. Through the wind I can hear your voice, in the clouds I can see your name. But still living life without you is not the same as when living with you. But Life is not as simple and smooth as we think. There is always an unexpected ..... accepting unexpected is what we have to live with and move on .....

I could fill a thousands of pages telling how I feel for you and still no one would understand. We have almost seen everything in our relationship and greatful to you to still consider me as your friend after all the sacrifices.... I get the best feeling in the world when you say hi or even smile at me because I know, even if its just for a second, that I've crossed your mind. Miss n love u ..!!

I know after reading this blog you will be curious to know .... who is that , someone .. ?? .... So for those who wanted to know ....

"khuda na karen ki juban par kahin uska naam aaye
meri to dillagi hogi, aur kahin woh badnaam ho jaye.. !!"

Marraige or Deal

We are born in a society where marriage is treated as sacrosanct, something which was fixed in heaven. It is a relationship valid not only in this life but also in lives yet to come. But it is not the way all the people think... being born and brought up in Bihar...i can say atleast this is not the case with people of Bihar.The marriage is more become fixins' the best deal rather than building a new relationship.Though the deal may convert to good relation most of the times,later on.

In this day and age, when we are advancing technologically in every which way possible... thinking ourselves more intelligent and smarter ... but still we are living with the customs of 70's... The Dowry in marriage is one of those.

As the auspicious days of marriages are going to start in couple of months, fathers of many brides have a sleepless nights to find a suitable groom for his daughter... Not because there are not enough guys to choose from but the hefty money and gifts they are asking...

Even the Most "shareef" and educated families do go through the rigmarole of ‘Oh no, no we don’t want any dowry’, ‘But you must!’ etc. After a few minutes of arguing along similar lines, the groom’s family generally finishes with a classic, ‘well we do not want any dowry but we will not stop you from doing whatever you want for your daughter.’ How brilliant is that! In one stroke, the Rs 15 lakhs cash, jewellery of Rs 10 lakhs, couple of plots of land and a car are all labelled as ‘gifts for the girl from her loving parents’ rather than ‘dowry’ and the so-called bitter pill goes down easy. Masterful! Doesn’t this mean how intelligent and smart we become..??

The market of grooms is on boom ....they have both the hands full...and they are ready to sell themselves as the best product for a few lakhs of cash, jewels, vehicles and even property. It may sound real harsh but that is what I feel.....

As inflation is on the rise, so does the market price of grooms. In last 5 years the rise is Aprox. 300% .Highest ever, higher than the booming real estate price in India, I guess.

When the price is getting higher day by day, it is obvious that the buyer will take all the precautions before buying ,so does the bride's father in the buyers shoes.

Few years back they were not much concern about other things if the groom is from well established family and earning good but now they are more concern on other things such as study background ( The college where studied , Company working with( it should be a big brand i.e Infosys,TCS,IBM,CTS,Oracle.... ),if is in Software field whether in testing or developing, how many times has been outsourced to abroad... etc ...etc ... I think they have RTI (Right To Information) to know every single piece of it. When it is a matter of buying then why not buy the best one in a better deal.
So my advice is for the entire eligible bachelor to make your brand image perfect to sell yourself in a bigger and better way without any concern about bride father’s hard earned money.
Although I , myself from a middle class family of Bihar feel " A woman should be able to become someone’s wife who she is; she should’t need anything else to oil the wheels "


" All men dream, but not equally. Those who dream by night in the dusty recesses of their minds, wake in the day to find that it was vanity: but the dreamers of the day are dangerous men, for they may act on their dreams with open eyes, to make them possible. " ----- Thomas E. Lawrence

Dreams , may be a part of someones life, but for me they are my life. I wake up everyday ,only to realise that all that i saw last night was my dream which god has sent into my eyes to turn into a beautiful reality. Dreaming with open eyes ,is like being aggressive in your thoughts which I think is not my cup of tea. All night , living in a beautiful world so that waking up next day and facing the challenges of the world becomes some what easy. I dreamt of starting this blog long back, and here I am turning my small dream into reality, also creating a pensive for myself, so that i may not find myself lost in the reality of my dreams or in the dreams of my reality or whatever.